Fast-Track: Be a Man

Some of us are becoming the men

we wanted to marry.

GLORIA STEINEM, FEMINIST ICON

As we smart gals try to get ahead at work, even the most successful among

us will admit that it’s pretty much a man’s world. In fact a recent Harvard

Women’s Law Association Guidebook encouraged women to “act like men”

in order to thrive.

As women, we know that we can have great careers—we know that we’re

every bit as capable as the next guy. But even without going to Harvard

Law most of us know the most expedient way to climb the ladder is to act

like a guy.

So far it’s the best way to survive in our competitive work environment. Yet

for most of us, it’s enough to bring tears to our eyes. The Ladies’ Room

Maura was so angry with her boss she was sobbing in the bathroom. Lydia

from the law firm upstairs had just finished a good cry and was reapplying

makeup.

“I hate that man!” Maura choked.

Lydia looked at her with only a hint of compassion. “You’re the one who

wanted to be an investment banker. You’ll just cry until you get your paycheck.”

Maura tried to smile as she splashed water on her face.

The bathroom itself was large and adorned with rose-colored granite

flecked with black: feminine but strong. Throughout most of the day the

stalls and sinks echoed with the tears of a revolving series of weeping

women from the investment banks, private equity firms, law partnership,

consulting companies and even a tiny graphic design firm that shared the

top three floors.

Lydia asked, “Do you need Visine?”

Maura nodded and Lydia handed her a fresh bottle, “Well, when you’re

done at the wailing wall use this. But I need it back.”

The women may not have all known each other, but they did know that in

order to survive at work tears were top secret. Kimberly Elsbach, a specialist in organizational behavior, has explored the

professional consequences of crying.20 She says working women spend a

significant amount of time and effort hiding tears on the job. “Men typically

don’t cry as often as women and don’t have to spend as much energy

working to suppress tears on the job,” says Elsbach. “It’s an enormous

burden women have that men don’t.”

Previous research has found that across cultures women are more likely

than men to cry due to frustration, stress, anger, or in response to criticism.

In Elsbach’s study, every woman she interviewed had cried at work at least

once and most said they had to hide it. We know a gal who is constantly

claiming to suffer from terrible environmental aller-gies in order to mask

her reactions to workplace stress. Our favorite story was when our friend Grace pretended to have witnessed a horrible traffic accident on Sunset

Blvd. when in truth she had just received the worst performance review of

her career.

All working gals know that stuffing down emotions helps maintain

credibility in the short term. But denying our natural compassion can be

costly, not only to the individual but to the workplace as a whole. Why?

Because in addition to being big crybabies, we gals have an enormous

ability to empathize with others who need help or guidance.

The Cost of Compassion

Jane, who works for a large car loan company, recently received criticism

from her boss, who said she was “too compassionate” with her direct

reports. One of her employees had just suffered the loss of his wife to

cancer and another was pregnant, so Jane was juggling their assignments

to make sure they were able to attend to their families. Jane thought she

would be praised rather than criticized for managing these problems.

As her boss delivered his verdict on Jane’s disregard for company policy,

she stood up to her male supervisor and insisted that her empathy would

create loyalty from her people and retain them in the long term. “I will

not,” she said, “be a dick about this.”

Luckily, in Jane’s case, she didn’t get fired on the spot. But she is feeling

paranoid. She fears she should have acted like a man, taken the feedback,

and kept her mouth shut.

In the movie version of this story, Jane would lose her job and then be

vindicated in the end for doing the right thing.

As of now, the verdict on Jane has yet to be delivered. She may yet be fired

or managed out. Nevertheless, she’s still proud that she stood up for who

she is: a considerate manager who believes in her policies. Let’s face it,

compassion is scarce these days and we need it. If women can bring compassion to public policy, studies show, they can

have an impact that counts. Although American women weren’t even

allowed to vote (much less hold public office) until 1920, since then we’ve

had a massive impact. When gals bring their yin to the yang of male-

dominated government, shit happens. Several studies demonstrate that when more females sit in state legislature, more bills are passed that

safeguard women, children, families, and the infirm.21 In other words, with

women in the loop, the public agenda changes to encompass the whole

population—men included.

Perhaps one day the “be a man” strategy will be a thing of the past. When

that will happen, and how, is anybody’s guess.

But it’s definitely not happening today . . . or tomorrow. In the meantime,

the entire pretense is a tough act to keep up.

It may just be better for your health and your wealth to marry a man than to

act like one.